The less I seek my source [entries|friends|calendar] Rosemary [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Shayla Suited Up [11 Jul 2009|07:18pm] Shayla came over to keep my company. We're about to go to the pool and she came out of the bathroom just now and said "I suited up." :) 3 comments|post comment

Good Things [11 Jul 2009|02:34pm] [ mood | blah ] One thing I do to keep my spirits up, in bad times or even in good, is something I call "five good things". I brought it up in therapy this week and my therapist seemed impressed with it, so I figured it would be a good time to share it here again. Also, it forces me to make sure and do the exercise, which I'm trying to do every day right now. When I first started doing this, about fifteen years ago, I was in a deep depression and it would often take me the entire day. In fact, back then I think I was just doing one thing from each category instead of the full five and it still sometimes took me all day to come up with stuff. Over time, it became easier to roll things off to the point that I could do it all within a minute on a daily basis. Admittedly, I'm finding it harder right now. It's not taking all day or anything, but I do stumble and have to force myself to come up with stuff. So, here goes... Five Good Things about myself: my sense of humor, my smile, my determination, my creativity, my organizational skills Five Good Things about my life: Cleo, my family, my friends, living in Madison, decent medical care Five Good Things about life/the world in general: television, movie theater popcorn, mandala coloring books, cats, sunflowers Five Good Things about yesterday: I managed to take a walk, had fun watching After Dark, cooked up some greens finally, got through a Friday night without getting too depressed (used to be date night, so...), finally put a new garbage bag in the kitchen garbage can so it's easier to throw stuff away again Five Good Things about tomorrow: Angie's day off so I'll get to see more of her, also Shayla and Sarah Jean will come over, True Blood night, also a new Big Brother episode, possibly there will be yummy food either by cooking or ordering in Five Good Things about today: we got our CSA share so there's lots of yummy foods, two hour Harper's Island finale tonight, I didn't sleep in too late despite getting to bed late so maybe my sleep schedule is in better shape, it seems my plants survived (although some seem injured) the hail and high wind storm last night, and more After Dark tonight Then I usually tack this on the end - One Thing I can do as a special treat for myself today: watch some more Buffy Okay, so half an hour to get that all out isn't so bad. It'd help a lot if anyone wanted to comment and add more to any of those categories - they can apply to you and your life as well! Just good positive thoughts. 6 comments|post comment

Duh [11 Jul 2009|02:06am] Note To Self: It doesn't help the sleep schedule issues if you forget to take your meds until 2am. *groan* post comment

Basic rundown [10 Jul 2009|11:20pm] [ mood | blah ] I've done a revamping of my profile page. Big Brother started last night and I'm already choosing sides and getting all worked up about it. Breakup therapy last night was summed up as having been mostly about holidays, cats, and pants at the end. Things on that end are going, you know, whatever, as smoothly as these things can go, I guess. Found out a funny little theory on Dave's family part before he told them the whole story - apparently they thought I was having an affair with Shayla! Sleep schedule still a bit messed up. Weird dream this morning about waking up and one of my eyes was all bloody and scratched up and basically completely covered by a giant bloody scab. It was super scary and I was relieved to wake up, look in the mirror, and see my eye still there and intact. Going to go take my meds, make my nightly ramen, and watch Big Brother After Dark on Showtime because there can never be enough hours of Big Brother and I can't afford the live feeds. This might even temporarily take over my Buffy obsession. Which, by the way, it took me about a year to get through the whole series the first time and it's taking more like a month the second time around. post comment

TV dreams and my sleep schedule [08 Jul 2009|04:27pm] [ mood | drained ] Big Brother starts up tomorrow night and it's clearly been on my mind a lot. I had a dream this morning that I was at some party/function/thing where everything was connected to the BB house set and I kept "accidentally" wandering off into those rooms and seeing how things were set up and even meeting the houseguests and talking to them about the game. It was great. Until I got caught by a producer. I played the whole "I got lost" thing and swore that I didn't do/say anything to affect the game and that I didn't talk to any of the guests long enough to affect how I thought or felt about them and so I was let go with only having to sign a confidentiality agreement. Then I snuck back in to my party thing, and that part of the dream was a lot like a family/teen drama show, which I've also been watching a lot of lately (lately - as if that's not one of my favorite all-time genres). I really wish the sneaking into the BB house thing wasn't just a dream, though, because how frigging COOL would that be?!?! Anyway, my sleep schedule is superly messed up because I ran out of both sleep meds two nights ago and didn't fall asleep until 8am and slept until noon, and then last night I went to bed at 11pm, spent most of about 4-6am awake in bed, feel back asleep and slept until 3pm. My body is ... confused. So I'm going to take it easy again today (was planning to get back to regularly scheduled functionality) and hope to be back to normal-ish in a couple of days. 1 comment|post comment

LJ sitcom meme [08 Jul 2009|04:18pm] My LiveJournal Sitcom Taking Care Of valet (UPN, 5:00): sophy (Al Pacino) learns a card trick from sabethea (Sean Astin). At the same time, chungjik (Mikhail Baryshnikov) and jkatj (Carrie-Anne Moss) sneak a t-shirt into the library. Nearby, pinguinochica (Matthew Perry)'s office's air conditioning is broken, and vesicular (Rachael Leigh Cook) shows up to fix it. Afterwards, bipagan (Jodie Sweetin) buys popsicles instead of pantss, ruining lidia_lodia (Woody Harrelson)'s day. Soon afterwards, chatalaine (Kirk Douglas) accidentally scratches themiddleblog (Joe Pantoliano)'s favorite grapes. Everyone learns a valuable lesson. What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern) I get to be Al Pacino. That rocks so hard. My LiveJournal Sitcom sophy's priest (UPN, 5:00): sophy (Al Pacino) burns maisy (Leonard Nimoy)'s chocolate bar. Then, sabrinaqedesha (Chloe Sevigny) cleans sabsbaby (Adam Baldwin)'s apartment and ruins the Klondike bar. Later, chungjik (Mikhail Baryshnikov) buys bipagan (Jodie Sweetin) a kitten. Later that day, mourning_song (Tara Reid) unknowingly gets high before a meeting with crankygirlie (James Marsters). That weekend, sabethea (Sean Astin) gets jkatj (Carrie-Anne Moss) drunk. (Series finale.) What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern) crankygirlie - you're James Marsters. That means I'm constantly lusting after you, but only when you die your hair platinum blond and wear a leather coat. post comment

Analyze my chars and ships [06 Jul 2009|09:01pm] [ mood | dorky ] I haves to do this meme: List 10 (or whatever) of your favorite characters from different fandoms, and ask people to spot patterns in your choices, and if they're so inclined, to draw conclusions about you based on the patterns they've spotted. I'm adding in 10 ships as well as 10 characters. Please, psychoanalyze me based me on my fandom faves. (In no particular order) Northern Exposure - character: Chris Stevens, ship: Joel and Maggie Buffy the Vampire Slayer - character: Spike, ship: Spuffy Veronica Mars - character: Veronica, ship: Logan and Veronica Star Trek: Voyager - character: Janeway, ship: Torres and Paris General Hospital - character: Jason, ship: Jason and Sam (kinda turning into Spinelli and Maxie lately though - used to be Dylan and Georgie) Alias - character: Jack Bristow, ship: Marshall and Carrie Supernatural - character: both boys as I'm totally bi-Win and can't choose between them, ship: the brother relationship between the boys - no I don't ship them romantically but they have serious brother chemistry and no romantic relationship on the show can compare to that! Smallville - character: Ollie, ship: Clark and Lex (hee!) Big Love - character: Margene, ship: all four of them together How I Met Your Mother - character: Barney, ship: Barney and Robin 3 comments|post comment

Try try again [05 Jul 2009|03:07pm] [ mood | tired ] Pretty much spent the entire week playing Sims, watching Buffy, and coloring. Discovered that the computer chair hurts less than the sofa as far as getting in and out for the lower back/ass pain I've been having. Also discovered menthol patches help. Got the pain levels on that down low enough that I finally felt okay to shower, so asked Shayla to come over and shave my head the other day, which she did, and then I got all clean. It's nice. I have to admit, I'm still in a pretty big self-pity funk right now. I'll try and keep most of that filtered and/or cut and make myself focus on some positive or at least neutral stuff here in the public posts. Not because I don't think I have every right to express my sadness and frustration, but because it does get old and if I sink too far deep in, I have trouble getting out, and I do need to remember the parts of my life that aren't bad, and there are plenty of those as well. With the low back/butt pain subsiding some, I'm also going to try and do more than just sit on my ass all day, but I'm still going to be moving slow, doing light things, and taking lots of long breaks because a) the pain isn't gone and it flares back up easily and I don't want that, and b) there's all kinds of other pains and symptoms going on and I just can't manage all that much. So I want and need to get moving a little, but still can't do much. Is my point. What I'm basically saying is, the hibernation is over but I'm still not back at what even counts as full force for me these days. Angie's taking me to the co-op today and I figure that'll be a big enough adventure for my body for today, although I did manage to do a few stretches and finally water my poor thirsty plants already. Caught up on posts but not comments/email. You know - the usual. 10 comments|post comment

Health & Hibernation [29 Jun 2009|08:17pm] [ mood | crappy ] Saw my pdoc today for the ER followup. Have once again played Stump The Doctor. She doesn't think it's costochondritis, doesn't think it's gall bladder, thinks it might possibly be something esophageal and so has prescribed me an additional med for that (already take one for heartburn), and told me to get some antacids to take for it if it flares up acutely again. If those work, then it means it's esophagus related and they'll probably put a scope down my throat to test further. If they don't work, then they'll test for gall stones or digestive system issues - likely meaning a scope up my butt. So, either way, I'm probably going to get a scope stuck in me somewhere. She also redid the liver tests that were elevated when I was in the ER and said she'd call me if that indicates they need to do any other kinds of tests. She was clearly having a bad day today, and seemed really lost as to what to do for me, but she managed to do a decent job of explaining things to me anyway and answering my questions, which was nice. I get why she doesn't think it's costo or gall-related and I like coming away from a doctor appointment knowing why they've ruled out (or mostly ruled out) something instead of feeling all dismissed and unacknowledged. She asked if it might be anxiety, and I thought about it, but no, I wasn't feeling particularly anxious any of the times I've felt it flare. She said it's possible that, fibro being what it is, this is just another crazy pain thing. Which it could be. But I'm glad she didn't just brush it off as that automatically. I did ask if I should still go to the ER again if it gets super intense again and she said yes, of course, if I'm in intense pain I should go to the ER. She said to maybe try the antacids first and see if they help and then if they don't, to go. So that's good to know. I'm feeling just ... bleh. I hate medical stuff. It stirs up my PTSD being touched. And it's always yet one more giant reminder of how sick I am and how mysterious in nature my sickness is and how there's just not much anyone can do for me and it's depressing as all hell. Plus, my lower back-butt is still incredibly painful. She asked about that, but didn't have much to say about it. Frankly, this most likely IS just fibro/disc issues and there literally is nothing to be done about it. I'll mention it to my fibro doc next time I see him, but I can't imagine he'll say anything but to keep doing the heat and ice and take my meds. He might suggest another increase in pain meds, which, blech, but whatever. Spent the rest of the day watching Buffy and coloring and am feeling generally like dropping out of life again for a bit, even though I've barely just managed to get back into it. Between the pain and the frustration and sadness around the pain, I'm just not feeling real high in the cope levels atm. I'm considering starting up and losing myself in The Sims for a few days. I hate being so depressing, but it's just how I'm feeling right now, so it's either that or you get nothing from me. Going to go hibernate, I think, again. Peace. 5 comments|post comment

Spoil me for True Blood [28 Jun 2009|11:39pm] [ mood | curious ] I am officially going way off the spoiler bandwagon for True Blood because I can't take not knowing stuff anymore. I've been reading spoilers for an hour or so now, and going to make this an open space for giving me more, if you have any delicious ones you'd like to share. I know the show is not going exactly like the books, but book spoilers are great because they at least give me a bit of a clue about things I'm dying to know. Still being spoiler free for most shows, so don't be going all crazy on me. But feel free to give me True Blood spoilers - TV or book related ones! 5 comments|post comment

Kitty kisses [27 Jun 2009|11:01pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Words - Lucinda Williams ] Dave posted this video of Cleo giving him kisses recently and I keep meaning to link to it. She gets so obsessive once she starts licking! 2 comments|post comment

Current States [27 Jun 2009|06:55pm] [ mood | sore ] [ music | Jill Knight - Don't Make Me Cry ] A list of current statuses. Current worst pain: This back/butt pain is killing me. Usually stuff like this, after a period of time of taking care of it and babying it, starts to get better eventually. This does, and then gets worse again, and blah. The pain is spread out from my low-middle back area down through about half-way down my ass. It was concentrated more on the right side than the left, but now it's spreading into the other side. Intensity and how widespread the area is varies, but it's generally making the following things incredibly painful: - going from standing to sitting - going from sitting to standing - standing still - walking - shifting positions while sitting or lying down - using the toilet - squatting or bending (if I'm good about using my knees I can get down okay but getting back up is hell) - reaching over or up with my arms more than an inch or so ... so pretty much everything except for sitting still, which hurts me in other ways for too long. Ice/heat and extra meds helps, but not superly much. Some days I'm able to do some light stretching and even take a short walk, and other days I can barely just make the short walks around the apartment necessary to go from room to room. Current frustration: Inability to do much of anything due to above mentioned pain, even though the rest of my body is restless and wants to move! Current worst non-pain symptom: been tweaking my meds for, erm, digestive system issues and things are evening out. No clue why suddenly I need a lot less stuff, and of course now I'm bordering on too far in the other direction and trying to figure out how to find the right balance again. Mrrrr. Current TV obsessions: - Popular. Been watching whenever Angie is available to watch some with me. We're into season two. - Buffy. Doing my rewatch. Into season three and really enjoying watching it knowing everything that's coming and doing lots of "holy cow they hinted at that plot point that early on?!" and such. I'm seriously considering a third watch again right away when I finish it up. - Twin Peaks. About to start season two. It's even stranger than I thought it would be. Kyle McLaughlin's character is a kick! - Summer teen shows on ABC Family - Secret Life is back which pleases me mightily, watched the pilot of Make It or Break It last night with Shayla and am already looking forward to all of the regular teen tropes I know are coming up, 10 Things I Hate About You is starting up in a week and a half. - Harper's Island. So much obsession for this show. Wish it had done better in ratings so that we could get more like it in the future, but oh well. I'll make a whole thing about this at some point. - GH and OLTL - my fave daytime soaps atm. Both have some great summer story lines this year and I'm feeling involved in most of the stories they're focusing on, which is rare in soapland. Usually you'll have, like, your 2-3 characters or stories you like and 2-3 you hate or just tolerate. - True Blood, Burn Notice, Army Wives, The Cleaner, Rescue Me, and In Plain Sight - goodness. New show Hawthorne - medical drama with the focus/perspective being on/from nurses. Good stuff. - Big Brother starts soon!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEE - Also coming yet this summer: Eureka and Leverage. By far not the only stuff I'm watching - just my favorites. :) Currently reading: Holder of the World by Bharati Mukherjee, and also about to start a collection of Russian folk tales. Oh - also have about four short stories of my friend Carrie's to read! Currently listening to: GoGirl.Net shoutcast - all my favorite chick music all in one place. Been listening to it any time I listen to music since I found it about a month or so ago. They play lots of music I already know and love like Tori Amos, Tracy Chapman, Melissa Etheridge, Indigo Girls, K.D. Lang, Alanis Morissette, Sinead O'Connor, Pink, Dar Williams, and of course Ani DiFranco - who they pledge in their ads to play at least one song by per hour - but they're also introducing me to a lot of other female artists who I've either never heard of (Jill Scott, Meiko, Adele) or have heard of but am just not all that familiar with (Lucinda Williams, Tegan and Sara, Beth Orton, Alicia Keys, Patty Griffin, Dixie Chicks), so that's cool. Like any radio station, they do heavily play some of the more popular songs over and over, but they're all totally listenable so it's cool. Current food obsessions been enjoying leftovers of the spaghetti sauce I made Sunday all week. My family's recipe. Also finally pulling up some of the veggies I'm growing and been using them in salads! We got lots of goodies from the CSA again this week, too, which makes me happy. Oooo, and got to go into my favorite chocolatier last week and personally pick out a box of my favorite truffles. I usually pick up a box at the co-op and so have to take whatever they package. I've been enjoying just having my faves this week! Last one - Dave and Shayla brought me home movie theater popcorn last night! Yum! Current worry: doctor's appointment coming up. Usually my mom accompanies me to dr. appointments to help act as an advocate for me but she can't make it to this one. My primary care doc is nice, but I've only seen her a couple of times and it's been over a year since the last time and she isn't super familiar with my somewhat complicate case, so I worry about making myself clear and remembering everything I want to say to her and remembering everything she says to me, etc. I'll get through it fine, it's just slightly nagging at me. Current joys: snuggling with my Cleo, watching my plants grow, spending a day with my family last week (mom, bro, sil, niece), spending time with friends Current mental health status: OCD been a bit flared up, but otherwise stable. 2 comments|post comment

They're more afraid of you than you are of them [26 Jun 2009|01:13am] There've been these icky bugs hanging out by Cleo's food dish and I wish I were the kinda person who could either just let it go or gingerly get the bug outside or even just squish the damn thing, but instead I'm the kinda person who cries and whines and whimpers "WHY? WHY? WHY?" at the poor bugs while they duck and hide under stuff because - you know, big scary human towering over them? But ACK!!!!! They terrify me so. And I want them not to be hanging out by my baby's food dish, but I also just can't. handle. their. existence. in. my. home. Reason #312 that I hate the idea of living alone. Even though I'm the only one awake and home right now, I've at least got a greater chance of having someone around to take care of the situation for me in my current living situation. Or at the very least? Someone around to listen to my wailing and be semi-comforting and empathetic and help talk me down so that I could get into a good space to take care of the issue myself. Right now? My best coping mechanism seems to be pretend the bug doesn't exist and tell myself over and over again in a calm and forceful manner that it's the kinda bug that doesn't do any harm and it's a total coincidence that one just like it was around the food dish the other night (when Dave was around for squishing purposes), and they probably don't, in fact, infest or do other nasty things and NO MY GOD SHUT UP CRAZY WOMAN THERE ARE NOT HUNDREDS OF THEM CRAWLING OVER YOUR FEET AND CLIMBING UP YOUR LEGS UNDER YOUR PANTS RIGHT NOW!! I wish bugs didn't scare me so much. Okay, meds taken, food needs to be made. Must go into kitchen and make food without going into another panic attack. *shakes and shudders and does movement therapy stuff to get message directly to brain that we're safe and it's okay to go and make some ramen soup goodsDAMMIT! *deep breath* 8 comments|post comment

Self needs help [26 Jun 2009|12:59am] [ mood | sore ] I would just like to assure all of you that I've read at least one word from each of your posts in the past two weeks now. Most posts I read most of. Some I read all of. But I at least glanced at every single one and have at least a general idea of everything you've shared on LJ now. Thanks for sharing so much! It helped me procrastinate the entire evening away. Now I'm up to date again and will be less likely to procrastinate reading LJ with other things in the near future. Responding to comments will still be procrastinated on for awhile. We'll see about catching up on that. We all know how well I do at keeping up with that part even during the best of times. Now I must take my meds and hope for sleep soon even though I'm super late at taking them. Because taking my meds three hours later than usual is a great way to try and train myself back into my normal sleeping pattern instead of continuing the habit of not getting to bed until around 5am and sleeping until 2pm as I've been doing all week. Oh, self. You need help sometimes. 3 comments|post comment

Crawling toward normalcy [25 Jun 2009|04:22pm] [ mood | sore ] I'm still here. Haven't been on LJ to read posts in awhile - week or two? I'm slowly getting back into my normal routines, and am hoping to be catching up here in the next few days. Still having a lot of pain, but it's back down to manageable levels. Hit another grumpy spot about breakup stuff, but still hanging in on that front, too. Have an appointment with my primary care doctor on Monday for ER followup. Need to go get cleaned up, water my thirsty plants (pics soon - I promise!), and call the bestest friend back for phone date time this afternoon. Hope you're all well, and might be spamming your inboxes soon as I go back through entries for the past week!! 2 comments|post comment

Just Ranting [17 Jun 2009|10:13pm] [ mood | distressed ] Can I just say, without anyone trying to chime in to say it's not true, that I'm really feeling sick and tired of being this pathetic broken down THING right now? My back is so owchy I can barely move and I've spent the entire day on the sofa shuffling back and forth between heat packs and ice packs and it's made almost no difference. I'm still pooping like crazy (when generally the opposite is true for me and I've stopped taking most of the stuff that helps me with that and am still taking all of the stuff that usually makes it hard, so not sure what's going on there) and I'm sorry to be gross but wiping when my back is this stiff and sore is a painful and humiliating process. I could even handle all of that. But then I started feeling the familiar pains up in my chest again, and while it's probably just gas this time and it won't get screaming bad and will go away soon, it fills with me with such a sense of dread that it takes all my reserve energies just to not have an anxiety attack about it and therefore probably cause it to happen anyway. And I'm thinking ... how am I ever going to manage living alone if that does become necessary in a year? What if all of this pain just keeps getting worse? And I start throwing myself a pity party, and then I remember that last year at this time I was doing Really Well even with the stress of a move and then I really start crying because I miss that and wish health was as easy as just wanting to feel a certain way and it happening but it's not. And it's not even as easy as just doing whatever was done in the past that helped with these crazy mysterious conditions like fibromyalgia because there's never any fucking clue about what's actually helping and what's making things worse because the body just does whatever the body wants to do at any given moment no matter what you're trying to do to fix it or heal it or make it better and I want OUT. I want OUT of this crappy broken down body. I want a new one STAT. And okay, there. I just needed to get that off my chest. I really don't want a lot of encouraging comments to this and I'm tempted to just shut comments off as a protective measure, but I really hate when people do that and maybe just saying I don't want them will be good enough. Empathy, however, is always welcome. 8 comments|post comment

Still Moving ... barely [15 Jun 2009|10:59pm] [ mood | sore ] Sunday, Angie took Shayla and I out for some errand running. I came home and crawled into bed and napped for over 2 hours! This deserves an exclamation point because I almost never nap. But dude, I was tired. Sarah Jean came over while I was sleeping and she hung out in Angie's room. When I got up, I chatted with Shayla while she cooked us a yummy meal. We watched the last episode of last season's True Blood as a refresher and then jumped right in to the new episode. Fun times. Due to various unrelated reasons, we were all dead tired and achy in different places and as loverly as it was seeing everyone, I was happy to have some quiet snuggly Cleo time after. Today, I had therapies, and Angie did her awesome roomie thing and took me across town to it. Shayla came along and they did stuff together while I therapized (this might lead to a poll later - you've been warned), and then we did more errand-ey stuff and then came home. Angie I watched a few more episodes of Popular (about half way done with season one), and then I popped in Buffy season 1 and am enjoying my re-watch. More pain today. Lower back freaked out at me while trying to water plants (remind me to tell you about my plants). Been doing heat/ice/heat/ice and mostly resting when not actually out erranding. Was hoping to get the place cleaned up and have the energy for cooking, and depending on how things go tonight/tomorrow, we'll see. My fambly is *finally* *actually* coming to see me tomorrow, and I was hoping to have things nice looking and make dinner and we could hang here. But a picnic lunch outside and spending time walking around the zoo, parks, etc., would be fine too. Figure I'll take my walker since I found out how much easier that can make things. :) Anyway, I'm all meded up and need to go stare blankly at the television until sleep comes so I can have some spare energy for tomorrow. 1 comment|post comment

Oh yea, diagnosis [13 Jun 2009|09:40pm] [ mood | blah ] People have asked, and I realized I never mentioned if the ER had any answers for me. Basically? Nope. My post-care paperwork just says "chest wall pain and nausea and vomiting". They didn't find anything in any of the tests, except for a slightly high liver thing which the doc didn't seem to think was related. He said he didn't have a previous test on file to compare against, but to get my doctor to test me again later to monitor it. So... it seems like it's probably costochondritis? I know lots of people with fibro and other mysterious pain disorders get it, I know it can feel like you're having a heart attack, and I know it is sometimes just referred to generally as "chest wall pain", so that's my guess. The ER doc said the severe pain could have caused the nausea and vomiting itself. One thing I haven't found in my so far very limited research is the back pain connection. For me, it often starts with the back pain and then I start feeling the corresponding chest pain. The area of my back usually affected is the spot in the middle where one of my spine-pinching discs is. I'm wondering if the back pain flares up the chest pain? I've noticed it does seem somewhat connected to heartburn/gas/digestive issues, so possibly that causes irritation to the back and then the back stuff irritates the chest? I dunno. It's weird. And scary. Especially since the people I know who have costochondritis tend to get it back a lot. In the stuff I've read they're all "it usually goes away on it's own and doesn't come back", but it seems kinda chronic in the cases I'm personally aware of. Having trouble sitting up and typing, so going back to magical sofa land again. :P 6 comments|post comment

The aftermath [13 Jun 2009|05:48pm] [ mood | drained ] I've got rubber gloves and face masks from my mosaic hobby. Also a pile of rags, paper towels, an assortment of cleansers for the different parts of the car (cloth seat, vinyl dash, etc.), garbage bags, and oh - can't forget some plastic cups for scooping. We're heading out soon to clean and then shortly after that to Walgreens. Consumed so far today: small handfuls of crackers, small handfuls of apple chips, ginger tea. Thinking about either some plain rice or some ramen soup later. Also want to get some pedialite and sparkling water from Walgreens. Mostly the pain is gone. Chest still sore. Usual fibro stuff flared up. Feeling very weak and shaky. Slightly nauseous. Hanging in. 2 comments|post comment

Another ER Adventure [12 Jun 2009|11:31pm] [ mood | drained ] Got the super stabby stabby pain in my chest and back again tonight. Much worse than ever before. Thought maybe drinking the ginger brew would help, but it just kept getting worse. When I realized I was screaming out loud in pain, I went in to find Dave. Could have grabbed Angie, but she was working at the time and would need to be leaving soon for her other job, so figured bugging Dave would be better. He was right away all "get some clothes on, we're going to the ER" and I was so disoriented by the pain I couldn't even get my clothes on, so we went with me still in my jammies - which unfortunately was not a nice pants and t-shirt but a bright pink mumu thing. I grabbed pj pants but didn't manage to pit them on, which meant they were sitting in my lap when the extreme vomiting began. At this point Dave went from being worried to terrified and started gunning the car. Meanwhile I'm still shrieking in pain and fairly incoherent. They got me in a lot faster than the time a coupla months ago. This was really different from that time in a lot of ways and I'm not sure if it's even the same thing or not. They both involved stabby pains in the chest and back, but the other time it was all over the back and torso and this time it was straight through in my chest in the one spot in the middle - straight like a knife to the back. And then the throwing up and stuff. Also, I'd put the pain at an absolute ten this time when it was at it's worst. The other time, I was moaning and groaning a lot. This time screaming. So, yea, they got me in a wheelchair and got me hooked up to machines within probably half an hour instead of the three hours it took last time. The pain did start easing off down to a seven at it's worst and not very noticeable or gone at times. They did a buncha tests. Gave me an IV (my first!) for fluids, anti-nausea medication, and some good pain killers. I knew they were good because they gave the woozies the way most pain meds don't anymore due to my tolerance level and also they did kill all of my normal pains, but the back/chest pain was still there. Down to a low enough level that I'm okay, though. Mostly just really weak. They gave me a script for the nausea med and told me I could go ahead and take my usual bedtime pain killers even with what they gave me (since it wears off in about four hours even if it is strong). Since I still had to go home in my (now slimy) bright pink mumu thing, we didn't stop at the pharmacy but will go do that tomorrow. Also on deck for tomorrow: cleaning out the car. I just ... don't even wanna think about that right now. Had planned in my head for more funny tidbits to share and thinky thoughts about hospital care and stuff, but too damned tired to bother. Dave was a real trooper, though. If I had any doubt that he still cared about me despite it not being romantic any more, that was dispelled. Thank you Dave! I go take meds and collapse on sofa now. With some crackers. And tiny sips of water. As directed by the nurse. 11 comments|post comment

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