| Obligatory Post Con Post |
[28 May 2012|02:26pm] |
So, I got zero hours of sleep last night, two the night before, and five the night before so I'm really really out of it. Therefore, I did actually see, and even talk to, many people today wandering around the hotel in a zombie-like state and meant to say things like "so glad to meet you" and "let's stay in touch" and "hey, you should add me on XYZ social media site" and then what I actually did was sort of grunt, nod, and keep shuffling past. I figure I make it fairly easy to connect my real name with my various online names, so hopefully folks will find me!!
My point is, I had a lot of interesting conversations and fun times with lots of folks and would like to connect via LJ (sophy), DW (sophygurl), FB (my real name - ask if you don't know it), Twitter (sophygurl), etc. And even if you don't wanna be socialmediafriends, feel free to comment/email any continuing convos you'd like to have because there were so many interesting ones that got cut short!! So please say hi and remind me who you are because I'm bad at names and faces and might not recognize you from your name/username.
Also, omg, lots of people I know and like that I sort of generally said hi to but didn't have the chance to stop and chat with and that all goes for you too.
Ummmmmmmmmmm... recap hopefully before too long. Panel notes ummm some day. Most likely won't be obsessively checking the internet for mentions of con this year because I am so much more drained than usual and have another big trip to save spoons for in about a month. So - feel free to point me to interesting stuff!
[Warning: low probability of a timely response to ... anything... a slow response means absolutely nothing about my desire to communicate!]
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To my non-con readers. I apologize. I disappeared and am now going to probably be posting primarily about con and I know that kinda sucks, but I still love you!
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| fun fun fun crash |
[27 May 2012|03:39am] |
Having a blast at WisCon - doing too much, seeing and meeting lots of lovelies, and so far my three panels all went well!! Tomorrow is the big one I'm modding, so wish me luck!
Having fewer "too shy to approach this person" moments than I used to, but it's still hard sometimes. Have also gushed about how much I fangirl some people, which is equal parts fun and embarrassing.
Partied hard tonight. Trying to calm down and get some sleep because there are early morning panels I MUST go to....
Tomorrow looks to be long, thinky, and fun. Might just crash Monday. Only one panel I really REALLY wanna go to, so we'll see. Off to read myself to sleep (hopefully).
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| Check-in, Pre-WisCon |
[22 May 2012|07:18pm] |
Don't you just love when someone makes a post asking for feedback on something and then just totally disappears for weeks on end? Me either. Sorry about that, guys!
I hit another busy-recovering from being busy-getting read to be busy again-busy cycles. I'm currently in the getting ready to be busy again part of the cycle, but really wanted to stop in here as part of my doing that.
This weekend is WisCon, which is my most frabulous thing of the year. Geeking out with other feministy academic minded geeky freak flag flying sci-fi/fantasy writers, readers, viewers, and consumers. I've been especially preparing because I'm going to be on four panels and will be moderating one of those and this will be my first time modding and is only my second time panneling, so my nerves are kinda going woowoo!
Here is my basic schedule:
Today and tomorrow: pack, prepare, try not to freak out.
Thursday: coincidentally, bestest friend will be in town, so meeting her for lunch and then heading to the hotel with Carrie who I'm sharing a room with for the weekend - mostly chill and continue getting ready for stuff.
Friday: go to the gathering for fun stuff, go to my panel Anti-Heroism Defined, rest up a bit, probably go to a couple of other panels before heading to the parties.
Saturday: try and get up early enough to hit some morning panels, break for lunch, head to my two back-to-back panels The Power of Play and Considering the Female Villain, maybe hit another panel, chill for a bit, probably hit some more panels before hitting the photo booth and more parties.
Sunday: try and get up for some morning panels, break for lunch, head to the panel I'm moderating - Does It Get Better?, hit some more panels, chill, party party party.
Monday: hopefully get up for some last remaining panels, try and stay functional enough to hit the post-mortem, possibly stay functional enough to check out the Dead Cow party. Probably come home and watch Buffy with Carrie, as that has become our tradition. Stare blankly at the walls in a semi-comatose state contemplating all of the awesomeness of the weekend.
Tuesday and beyond: recover.
There are a lot of panels I'm excited about going to. I'm sad that many of them are up against my own panels, but at least that narrows down my options for me! Ha. Yea, Sunday at ten am there are literally 10 different things I'd like to attend. It's hard! But hopefully I'll get to some of the YA panels, the few panels this year having to do with TV (note to self: suggest more TV panels for next year!), some of the disability panels, the trans panels, and maybe a few readings??
Very excited that they're doing the Genderfloomp dance again this year, but sad to see no Karaoke. General party descriptions seem intriguing.
I've enjoyed thinking about and researching for my various panels this year. The anti-hero and female villains ones had me falling down tvtropes holes again like the can villains change one from last year. I really love hero/villain dynamics and am so glad I got picked to be on both of these panels so I can talk more about this stuff. The power of play one sounds like it's going be lots of fun with there being talk about props! The does it get better one, I think, is going to be really fascinating. All four of us are coming with slightly different approaches but are basically on the same page so there should be lots of fuel for talk and food for thought.
I am a bit nervous about my mod skills. I know I have the skills to be a good mod, but I'm worried about tying it all together. Keeping track of time, keeping everyone on topic, managing audience input, managing the flow of the panel, etc. It's a lot of balls to keep in the air at once, so I hope I'm up to the task.
I'm also worried about Cleo. Both Dave and I will be gone for some of the time, so it's all on Angie to take care of her. I know she's perfectly willing and capable, but I just hate being away from my girl for so long especially now that she's showing her age so much more. Even two weekends ago when I was gone and Dave was still here, I wibbled about her constantly and checked in every day. I have to just trust that she'll be okay, but it's hard!!
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At some point, I'd like to catch you up on what else I've been up to and have in the works (I got to see my niece dance in a recital and got to play with both nieces! I have a trip to visit with my ma'amer friends next month! I'm having a gastroscopy in a few weeks! The TV season is wrapping up with the summer one starting and you know I have a ton to say about all of that!).
And, of course, I want to catch up with you all. I'm not sure when all that is going to happen. I might sneak a few peeks tonight or tomorrow depending on how much I manage to get done con-prep-wise, or it might be post-con when I'm obsessively posting/reading about con stuff.
But I've missing my LJ friends, and for that matter FB and twitter and the blogs I normally read and even replying to emails! I hate getting so far behind on this stuff.
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One final note for my fellow WisCon goers, I like to remind people that I'm horrible both at remembering faces and names, so if I know you but act like I don't - please refresh my memory! I'm so excited to see everyone again - even you local peeps that I rarely see because I just don't get out much.
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| Tell me what to tell you about |
[20 Apr 2012|08:28pm] |
What should I write about?
I've got all these topics floating around inside my head, but whenever I sit down to make a post, I don't feel up to any of them. Maybe if you all told me what you most wanted to hear about it, that would help motivate me?
So, first off - feel free to comment drop me your own ideas, questions you want me to answer, etc.
Secondly, which of the following ideas would you most like to read me rambling about?
1. Nostalgia
2. Games - rating the games we play around here, talking about my faves, etc.
3. Death with dignity/euthanasia and the disability community, including my own feelings on the topic
4. Superman, Santa Claus, and God (how they're all linked in my mind)
5. TV shows, listings, and reviews
6. Why TV is better than movies
7. Why soaps are so underrated and shouldn't be
8. Forgiveness, and how I'm feeling about that as a concept lately
9. Social Networking and snail mail
10. Best friendship
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| more doctors, some foodiness, and planning |
[20 Apr 2012|06:38pm] |
Apparently my no big deal fibro appointment was more than it usually is, and apparently I've hit the specialist referral jackpot this month!
I've been complaining about my migraines the last few times I've been in to see fibro doc - more frequent, more symptoms attached, the meds being less effective, etc. So he's referring me to a neurologist at the headache clinic.
Tried to schedule my gastro appointment today, but the scheduler was out of the office today so they'll call me back Monday.
I'm starting to feel like it's ten years ago all of a sudden again, which was when I became newly more sick and started getting shuttled around from doctor to doctor having all manner of exams and tests done to hopefully figure out what was going on. I had new medical appointments every week or so for about a year in addition to applying for disability and other assistance programs, getting extensions on my classwork, and just generally trying not to fall apart emotionally.
This, I know, is different. I'm getting regular care for what ails me and I'm just finally getting referrals for two big issues that have been getting worse for awhile now. But still, it's giving me some flashbacks!
Speaking of medical stuff, we're taking Cleo in to the vet tomorrow for a blood pressure and weight check since we've started her on the new meds and food routine. Cross your fingers for us!
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In totally different news, have you all seen this site The Magical Loaf Studio??? You put in your ingredients and it gives you a recipe for veggie meatloaf. I've been craving a mushroom loaf and got out to the co-op today with mom to get some produce finally (the usual grocery store I go to is great for a lot of things and at good prices but their produce is disgusting and I hate getting it there), so I've got the ingredients to make some.
While there, I also got some Sweet and Sara vegan smores that you can stick in the microwave. I am so excited to try them!!! I miss smores so much just generally and my roomie has been making her own microwave smores lately, which has amped up my own craving.
Oh, and I've got a plan down for paying for my WisCon room. Whatever I can scrounge up on my own and from other people minus my bday present from my mom and then what's leftover she's willing to loan to me and I'll make monthly payments to her until it's paid off. Which will be easy enough to do since next month is my last loan payment to Dave from the loan we took out together years ago. Yay!
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| doctor, anxiety, plans |
[19 Apr 2012|09:34pm] |
I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow. Just a regular check-in with my fibro doc, nothing major.
Last week, though, I saw my primary care doc for the first time in over a year. Just an office visit, but we covered some important stuff.
I told her about my accidentally skipping the zoloft for about a month and she noted that my system was still probably not fully back in line with it since I started taking it again, which I agree with. It would help explain why my anxiety has still been so off-kilter. I take it at a dose to help my whole mental health trifecta - depression, ocd, and ptsd. I think the depression bit started getting better quicker than the anxiety part...
We also talked about my chest stuff and she agreed that the heart burn could be making my asthma worse and said it was up to me if I wanted to have a gastro endoscopy. I have to admit - I've been wanting one for awhile. I mean, I don't want to endure the test itself but I get really worried about this GI stuff and I know docs tend to blow stuff off as just the fibro/stress with folks like me, but I'd really like to know for sure that there isn't something else going on in there. I was casual about my language, though, and made it sound like I'd do it if She thought it was a good idea because I figure insurance is more likely to cover it if it's clear it's doctor's orders. And she did hook me up. I have to call gastro back and set something up, now.
Also, we discussed the gyn exam, which is always a big deal for me between the fibro sensitivities, the PTSD anxieties, and the vaginsimus making insertion itself anywhere from extremely difficult and painful to totally impossible. But I've been doing some work on my own and need the push to keep myself at it, so we set an appointment for July.
I also know that knowledge is power and since I've dissociated every other time I've attempted one or even talked about one, and I'm in a more stable less triggery space these days, I had her walk me through an exam and she was great about it! She walked me through every single step, explaining everything clearly and showing me the instruments used. And she's prescribed me an anti-anxiety med to take about a half hour before hand.
I'm pleased that this is being set up, and now I have to work on two levels with myself: 1) desensitization exercises where I walk myself through the exam step by step until each step doesn't cause anxiety and I can get through it all mentally in my head, and 2) work with the mirror and dilators and try and get comfier there. I admit - I'm having an awful upsurge of anxiety now that there IS an actual deadline in place, but I do think it will be good for me.
I keep reminding myself that all I can do is my best, that I get to take teensy tiny baby steps all the way, and that if I'm not ready by July - well then I'm just not ready by July and that's okay, too. I very much WANT to be ready by July, though. I'm tired of this crap and want to get the show on the road, so to speak. But I also know from past experience that trying to power through anxiety causing stuff is counter-productive.
SO. I've been doing lots of listening to my inner child about stuff. Like, last night after making my usual nightly snack of ramen soup, she informed that she really wanted popcorn. When I told her that we could have some when we finished the soup, it made her so happy. I forget how easy it is to make my child-self happy just by making allowances for her to get some small things she wants.
And she's pretty smart about stuff, too. Like today ... I'd started the day off telling myself that I HAD to take a shower. And this was causing me a lot of anxiety and so I was rebelling and procrastinating and therefore not doing anything productive at all. Finally about halfway through the day, I reminded myself that I didn't HAVE to take that shower today... and it was like this little light went on inside of me and I could feel that child-self part of me just relaxing so much. "Really!??! I don't have to do that?!?!" It felt good to give myself that permission and to focus on other things instead. When grown-up me was trying to be responsible, all it did was make me miserable. But when I listened to child me, I was able to actually be somewhat responsible! Funny how that works.
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| WisCon panel stuff |
[19 Apr 2012|06:58pm] |
Got the official programing assignments from WisCon.
So, holy moly. I didn't end up volunteering for that fourth panel, but apparently the assigned mod of one of my panels dropped out because I've been assigned to be mod for one now!!!
That's three panels to be on and one to mod. This will be my first time moderating. And I was planning to go to this panel they hold every year to get people prepared for moderating ... except that one of my other panels is up against that time slot. So ... that kinda sucks.
I'm reading all the written info WisCon has about modding, but any tips from folks who have done this before??
I'm a little sad because this was a panel I actually had quite a lot to say about, but as mod it will be more my job to keep the convo flowing than to actually talk much myself . But I can get a few brief points in, I suppose. (I didn't initially volunteer to moderate this one, but I'll take it)
I'll put my whole official schedule under the cut tag for anyone interested.
Stuff to do, now:
* put my mod hat on and email my panelists for that panel
* read up more on modding
* look up info for the two panels that looking up info would be helpful
* organize my thoughts and get some notes written down for myself for all four because I do much better with prepared notes than off the cuff.
( my wiscon schedule )
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| hello again |
[18 Apr 2012|10:08pm] |
I don't know why I occasionally disappear off the face of the internet. I think it might be something like this...
sometimes hanging out online feels like a fun and restful thing so I do it constantly for days on end, and sometimes it feels more like a chore but a chore I'm totally up for so I do it regularly in short bursts, and sometimes it feels like just one more stressful aspect to life and so I avoid and ignore it until avoiding and ignoring it becomes more stressful than not - and then I force myself to reconnect again.
In that spirit, I have attempted to catch up on a week and a half worth of entries and probably missed a lot along the way.
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| omg ocd |
[17 Apr 2012|08:51pm] |
Sometimes (not always, but sometimes) having OCD means wanting to rage at the whole entire world for not doing things exactly the way you would do them.
Hi, btw. I know I haven't been around much online the last week or so. Been Simsing mostly. Have stuff to share and want to catch up with you all, but anxiety's a bitch and in the Sims world I can make everything go the way I want. So. There's that.
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| bad neighbors, bad neighbors, whatchagunnado? |
[07 Apr 2012|11:46pm] |
Soooooo.... remember those loud upstairs neighbors? They've been really noisy again lately and Dave went over to confront them tonight and the guy got up in his face and physically threatened him, so Dave came right back here and called the non-emergency line for the cops who came over and took his statement. By the time they got to the neighbors, they were gone - although Dave and I heard some really quiet footsteps shortly after that so possibly they were just not answering the fucking cowards.
I was actually half-asleep and on my way to bed before this happened, but I'm wide awakies again now!!
I also left a message with the apartment complex letting them know what's been going on. I never had gotten around to officially complaining to them, but it's done now!!
OH. And apparently asshole neighbor informed Dave that he'd already assured the apartment manager that they don't do anything wrong and that WE pound on the walls all the time. Which, all right, Dave bangs on the walls when they're really loud sometimes because he's not as good at confrontation as I am and up till now hasn't wanted to go over there. He certainly didn't want to call the cops and cause a big fuss, either. But this is going too far now. So statement's been made and if any more altercations arise, well, we've got that back us up now. Plus, the neighbors up there know we follow through when we say shit.
Me, I'm having flashbacks to a time in my life when young people being loud, big dramatic fights, and cops coming to the door were normal occurrences.
Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.
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| Good Things (and help) |
[07 Apr 2012|09:26am] |
1. A very generous person has paid for my WisCon* membership for me this year, so that's taken care of! I still need to sort out paying for my share of the hotel room, but I have some ideas about that.
2. Going to my mom's for Easter celebrating today. Unfortunately, most of the fam won't be there this time, but it will still be nice.
3. Have a date in May that my mom and I will be going to visit my bro and his fam for my niece's dance recital. It's helping a lot to have that to look forward to, especially since I missed her bday last month and they won't be making it to Easter. Also - there are plans in the works for my mom and I to take older niece for a weekend together some time this summer which is just such a marvelous idea. :)
4. I made my family recipe spaghetti sauce last week, which has been helping with my issue of not wanting to eat much. I make a huge batch of that when I make it, so there have been plenty of leftovers and I reliably like and want that so heating it up and eating it once a day has been a big help.
5. Cleo's doing a bit better with the food/poop. It still varies somewhat, but she's been getting more of the food and meds down and hasn't been Quite as constipated. I think we're finally settling into a good routine with this all and I think the third brand of wet food we tried is the winner as far as her liking it even after it's been in the fridge a few days.
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*Speaking of WisCon, we got out preliminary schedules and I'm on four panels this year! Not moderating any, but we can try again next year for that.
( here are my panels )
There's a list of panels that still need panelists and I'm toying with the idea of volunteering for one of them. That'll put me at five panels and I only did two last year, so I'm a little unsure about all that much. Plus, it's a morning one and while in the past I've done well getting up for morning panels, I hate to put myself in a position of Having to if I'll need the extra sleep.
But. It's one of the trans ones that I think I submitted and if it needs another panelist in order to happen, I'd really like to do that, yk?
Here is the description of it:
Intersection of trans* and feminism
"How can the feminist community be more informed on and inclusive of our trans* members and partners? Where do these two movements/identities intersect? How are the feminist and trans* movements similar, in what ways are they different, and why is it important to recognize and acknowledge these differences and similarities as we learn how to work together? How can feminists be better allies?"
On the one hand, I don't want to speak FOR the trans community, but on the other hand, I feel like I could be a decent ally on something at this level.
What do you guys think? Should I volunteer for it or not??
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| sad for my cat |
[03 Apr 2012|04:54pm] |
My poor cat hasn't pooped in days, is barely eating, and keeps going into her box and howling. If she won't eat, she can't get the medicine that will make her feel better, but I know what it's like to be so constipated that you can't cram any more food in, too. I don't know what to do for her. :(
I keep trying new things - new combos of things, setting the food out at different times of day, adding more or less water, even heating the food up in the microwave. Today I'm trying not filling her dry food for snacking on up so she HAS to eat the wet food with the meds in it to eat. In a few more hours, if she still won't eat it, I'll try opening up a fresh can of a new flavor to see if that can entice her.
I really hate this. She keeps looking at me like she knows I can fix it, but I can't. She has to eat the food with the medication in it for anything to help and I don't know how to make her do that. :(
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| stress about cat, money, etc. |
[29 Mar 2012|11:29pm] |
This first week of giving Cleo wet food and extra meds has gone okay. She Really likes the wet food, but I think she doesn't like the flavor of the dasuquin - the supplement for her joints. I've noticed that dose she often doesn't eat and then Also begs me for more while it's sitting right there uneaten. I'll have to ask the vet if there is something else we can try, or if maybe just the fish oil on it's own would be okay for now. She definitely likes the dose with the fish oil - I even snuck in some miralax today because she does seem to be a bit constipated and she still ate it right up right away. And she eats the dose with the calcitriol just fine. I'll try the dasuquin one more day with the new brand/flavor of wet food that we just opened this evening and see how she does, I think. We haven't picked up the blood pressure med yet, so I'll have to see how she does with that one this weekend.
I think the added stress of these extra duties + worrying about her is getting to me because I've spent the past two days playing Sims, eating jelly beans, and not wanting to deal with Life.
Money is another stress factor, though, too (and of course vet costs are also then related again).
I just found out today that I am Not getting a WisCon scholarship this year, so am going to have to sort out how I'm paying for my membership, room, and meals. :(
I'm so low on funds that I've been putting off getting groceries. I have plenty of food in the house to eat, but it's all very unexciting stuff like canned soups and when I'm down/stressed I want GOOD food and I get picky and whiny about it - hence the mainly eating jelly beans.
And there's just so much that I need and can't afford and life is haaaaarrdddd....
Also, the apartment is a disaster and I badly need to clean it but that seems entirely too overwhelming at the moment. As is cleaning myself, which also badly needs to happen. I'll just keep shooting for tomorrow until I can finally manage it and tomorrow is today, I guess.
On the plus side, Cleo is so grateful for the wet food portions every day now that she is being extra snuggly and affectionate, so that's been fun. OTOH, when she gets antsy for her next feeding and stands in front of me, howling and poking me in the chest with her paw - that's less fun. lol
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| Cleo's health |
[24 Mar 2012|12:02pm] |
Took Cleo to the vet today for her six month wellness check. We just had her in a couple of months ago for a shot update, but we couldn't afford to do all the tests as well then. Unfortunately, we still couldn't afford all of them this time, either. It sounds like they want to see her again in three months to check some things, so hopefully we can save up a bit to finish her testing then.
Today's results:
* She's lost some more weight. We talked about how her appetite goes up and down and how it might be constipation or acid reflux or she's just simply bored with her dry food. First thing we're going to do, which I've been thinking for awhile is a good idea for several reasons, is start giving her some wet food - we're going to start her out slow, maybe a spoonful now and then, and always leave out the dry food as well so she's got that to snack on as needed. The vet also recommended adding small amounts of water to the wet food. Second thing is I'm going to more closely monitor her box activity and if she IS constipated, then we'll start mixing some Miralax into her food. And if she Isn't, and the wet food doesn't take care of things, then we can try some Pepcid AC - crushed up into her wet food.
* Her blood pressure is up. Not to dangerous levels on it's own, but combined with her heart murmur and kidney disease, they want to start her on a medication (amlodipine) for it, which we can apparently pick up at Walgreens. It can be crushed up into her food.
* We talked about how she's having some trouble climbing and jumping now and moves around more slowly and cautiously, not playing as often, etc. The vet recommended mixing fish oil capsules into her food and also gave us a supplement called Dasuquin which can be crushed up into her wet food for joint health.
It's a really good thing we're trying her on wet food now, what with all this stuff that can easily be mixed into it as opposed to having to tackle her and shove it down her throat.
I'll feel better about the calcitriol, which we already give her for her kidney disease, mixed into the wet food, too. That's a liquid which we put right on her food, but because she doesn't *always* eat every bite of her dry food I worry about her not getting the full amount of it every time. I suppose she might also not always eat every bite of the wet food, but I'm guessing she'll be more excited about that.
* We also finally remembered to ask about something that would be safe but icky tasting to put on that paw she can't stop gnawing on from when it was slightly injured/infected, like, a year ago. They told us about something we can get at any pet store, so we just have get to one. Hopefully that can break her from the habit, which I'm positive is all it is by now.
* They did a blood test that will tell us more about her heart health, and we'll get a call about that sometime in the coming week I guess.
****
Ugh, this is a lot of new stuff. And it was really stressful trying to decide which things to have done over other things. (And, oh, my poor credit card is all charged right back up!)
I know she's aging and there's going to be more and more things all the time now, and I'm just Not. Ready. for this at all. :(
I need to make up a chart for myself of everything to do and when to do them. Like, first steps will be letting her have a few bites of the wet food a few times a day and checking the litter box every day. Then we can start adding in the different medications and supplements to the wet food (the vet suggested the first few times for each one to do that with a smaller portion to make sure she gets it all), adding small amounts of water to the wet food, transitioning to more wet food each serving, etc.
I really hope all of this helps her. I want her healthy and happy and strong for at least a few more years!!
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| I apologize for every post in the past month and a half... |
[22 Mar 2012|09:55pm] |
I did a massively Massively stupid thing.
See, I keep all my pill bottles in a basket and then in a plastic bag on top of the basket is where I keep extras - so, like if I get a med refilled before the previous script is totally empty, it goes in the plastic bag. I have a pretty good system down where I never ever take a pill bottle out of the basket until I replace it with the new bottle, so for instance, if I run out of a med before I get the refill, I keep the empty bottle in the basket so that I always remember to replace it and not ... you know ... say ... for example ... leave it in the plastic bag for a month or so???
Guess what I did??
Apparently, sometime around late January, I got my sertraline (i.e. Zoloft, i.e. my main depression/anxiety medication) refilled and stuck the new bottle in the plastic bag and then somehow ... didn't replace the new bottle with the old one when I ran out of that month's supply??
And somehow... I didn't Notice that, heh, for about a month and a half?? heh heh I wasn't Taking that medication.
Ummmm. This NEVER happens to me. OMG I am usually so organized about this shit.
But yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Could explain why, around that time, I, umm, was experiencing symptoms that reminded me of the SSRI withdrawal???
And then spent the month of February even more depressed than usual??
I dunno ... could be, eh??
*smacks self repeatedly in the head*
UGH.
Well. At least now I have some answers. And I've been back on the meds for three days now. And, ummm, already that icky-sleeping-feeling I posted about the other day is gone. So ... that coulda been a thing too.
And ... in good news??? I was off of my psych meds during the worst month of the year emotionally speaking for me and was only marginally more depressed than I expected to be??
Because in the past when I've gone off that medication for more than a few days I've pretty much become immediately suicidal. And THAT didn't happen. So ... progress????
OMG. I feel so dumb.
And yet hopeful...
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| Celebrate the small stuff thread links |
[20 Mar 2012|10:19pm] |
Need a thread to feel congratulated for the little victories in life?? Took a shower today and could use a high-five? Or faced something scary and came out alive and could use some cheering on?
Over here for LJ and/or over there for DW - drop a comment with your small daily accomplishment for the day and then praise other people for theirs! It's kinda addictive.
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| thanks |
[19 Mar 2012|06:24pm] |
As I'm finally feeling a little un-blah'ed and am catching up with things, including my inbox, I want to say that I am probably not going to reply to everything people sent me from late January - end of February because I missed a lot at that time.
But, I do want to say thank you to everyone who sent along supportive comments and such because that all means a serious lot to me and every one of those that I received helped carry me through that particular bad day. So thank you so much.
And hopefully I'll be a lil more stable again for awhile. :)
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| Women, in my experience |
[19 Mar 2012|05:08pm] |
So, there's this meme out there that girls and women are mean to one another. That we're petty and backbiting and cruel to each other. That all girls are basically mean girls and that it's impossible for women to be true friends to one another because we're so gossipy and hateful and constantly in competition with one another. That the bullies in school are the mean girls and/or that bullying tends to stay within the genders and boys are only mean to other boys and somehow they do it better because they physically fight and then shake it off but we girls just snipe one another into having zero self-esteem while pretending to be nice.
And I H-A-T-E this meme.
Because it's never been true in my life. It's not my experience of female friendships or even of female eneminess. And my bullies in school were almost exclusively male, and the damage done to me by the female bullies was negligent in comparison to the damage done to me by the male bullies.
But mostly because I have armies of good, solid, nurturing female friendships going back to grade school and continuing today that have never included petty meanness or cruelty.
I know my experiences aren't everyone's. But I really REALLY wish people would stop saying things like "girls are meaner than boys" and "women aren't good friends to one another" as if they are absolutes that we all just understand, that these are universal truths. Because that damages women, frankly, to say it in those terms.
And I'm not saying I've never had a female be mean to me in my life. In my junior high and high school years, I was the school freak. Lots of people were mean to me during those years, including the girls.
But the girls were mostly mean in ways of just not talking to me, which, honestly, I didn't want them talking to me anyway because they weren't the kinds of people I wanted as friends in first place. There were even a few popular girls who went out of their way to be nice to me, which I think probably took a certain amount of courage for them to do. And the small handful of popular/mean girls who were mean to me, well they were more passively mean - they laughed when the boys said mean things or they carried themselves in a sort of snobbish way or they gave me dirty looks. And that kind of thing hurt, but not all that much.
It was the boys in the popular/mean crowds that hurt me in the most harmful and damaging ways. They were the ones who threw things at me, screamed obscenities in my face, sexually harassed and sexually assaulted me, and generally made my school time an unsafe place. Those were the things that damaged me the most. Those were the things that took years to recover from, that I'm STILL recovering from. Not a girl who made a face at me, but a boy who screamed in my face. Big difference, in my experience.
And yea, okay, some of my female friendships - especially in my teens and early 20s - had some unstable qualities to them. But then, looking around me, I saw examples of similar things happening in the male-male friendships and female-male friendships as well. It wasn't a mark of us being in a female-female friendship. It was a mark of us being young and having raging hormones and difficult lives that we had trouble talking about and taking things out on one another in weird ways, etc.
Mostly, though? The women in my life have been amazing. And my relationships with them have been amazing. I've felt supported by my female friendships. I've felt loved in them and safe in them and nurtured by them.
And I'm not saying, btw, that this is untrue of my relationships with men or other gendered people in my life, as well. Some have been rocky, but most have been great. I'm not trying to make a corollary here that because my female relationships have been great, my males ones haven't. It *is* true in my own personal life history that I've felt closer to more women then men, and that more men have hurt me in significant ways than women have. But I am *not* saying that my male friendships and relationships have been bad overall.
But I AM saying, and I want to be really clear about saying, that this idea that women just spend their time gossiping about one another and competing with one another and playing vicious games with one another and are petty and cruel and shallow?? I find that idea just so very untrue and so very VERY offensive. And I'm tired of seeing so many female relationships in media depicted in those ways. I'm tired of people just saying off the cuff remarks about how women are just like that and we all know it. I'm tired of the "mean girl" type being assumed to be the norm of the female experience instead of the exception.
Because I've been blessed with so many wonderful female relationships where none of that shit happens. And I know I'm not alone in that. I know there are loads and loads of awesome, amazing, wonderful women who hold one another up and help one another out and save each other in big and small ways on a daily basis.
And I wish we could focus more on that stuff.
I'm not saying if you've been hurt women that you shouldn't talk about that. Because you should. Own that. Be true to that. Just don't assume that all women are like the women that hurt you, and please Please don't assume that all of us have experienced the same kinds of things.
But most of all???? OMG most of all!?!?! PLEASE don't jump in to conversations about a situation where a male has done something hurtful to a female and make a comment about how women are even worse to one another. Because that's just not helping. It's perpetuating a big ole damaging myth.
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| Depressing sleep, health issues post |
[18 Mar 2012|03:05pm] |
This new sleep issue is so distressing. And I don't really know how to describe it. I hate having so many symptoms that are difficult to describe.
Sleep has always been difficult for me. Always.
Since forever, I've had trouble falling asleep. Then came fibro and added trouble staying asleep, trouble falling back asleep, and not waking up feeling refreshed. Then the fibro got worse and added trouble even getting sleepy in the first place, waking up more frequently, and needing a lot of time post-waking up before feeling functional.
All of that but at least while I WAS actually asleep, it was good.
Now, I feel crummy IN my sleep. And ... I can't explain what I mean by that. It's just an all-over body feeling like when you feel sick but not in a specific place or whatever. I just feel ... icky. Throughout the entire sleep process.
This has the added bonus results of:
- I find myself not wanting to even try getting sleepy because I am not in any way looking forward to sleeping.
- I toss and turn a lot more and sleep a lot less once I do finally get to bed.
- I end up getting up much earlier than I should because once awake, I don't want to bother trying to sleep more.
- It takes twice as long, once up, to feel functional.
I hate this. So much. There is no escape from this body's issues.
********************
There is the one small bright side right now at least that the warmer weather is giving me slight increases in energy despite the increased lack of sleep.
Of course, I am also having the reminder that no matter what weather we have, no matter what season we're in, there are different symptoms to deal with.
So, while it's amazing to me that I can feel my extremities before April this year, the humidity is causing the spiky skin sensations already. Oh, the joys of chronic illnesses.
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| FMM everything else |
[17 Mar 2012|07:02pm] |
I bookmarked a lot a lot of stuff during FMM and need a way to have all of the links organized for future use, so I'm going to do so in a series of posts. This is mostly for me, but you all can have a look if ya want, too.
Some random stuff collected about: River and Zoe from Firefly, Kalinda from The Good Wife, Katniss from The Hunger Games, Laurie from Cougar Town, Lorelai from Gilmore Girls,
( Read more... )
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